Category: satire

By Ima Idiot, fitness reporter

Champion bodybuilder and powerlifter Kyle Davis has worked out for years, but he always felt something was missing. “I did all the normal gym exercises that guys told me I should do like barbell back squat, heavy deadlifting, benching, curling heavy dumbbells, etc. but I wasn’t happy with the results. Something was missing from my training but I couldn’t put my finger on what that was.”
Then the day came when Davis first tried the TRX.
“I felt the result in my core right away. It was amazing! I never felt my core before when I lifted heavy and the TRX lived up to its advertising. Afterall, we all know that barbell squatting is just a bodybuilding exercise for the quads only. When I squat 400kg at powerlifting meets, I never use my core at all. It stays really relaxed the whole time and the weight just goes right up like magic. If I had never tried the TRX, I never would have learned to work my core!” he exclaimed.
Davis was inspired to switch from boring barbell training that had gotten him results in the past to TRX due to the widespread marketing of NFL quarterback Drew Brees getting great results with the suspension trainer.
“Yeah, Drew Brees was a nobody before he started doing TRX. He had only been a championship quarterback at the high school level, and the college level and the pro level before finding TRX. That’s it. Traditional athletic training had obviously failed him. After he started doing TRX, his athleticism increased 0% but his pocketbook just grew and grew. Awesome!” said Davies.
So how will Davis use this powerful new fitness tool that is revolutionizing the fitness world? “I’m going to stop doing all those boring pullups I’ve been doing and switch to TRX rows. I see them making people super strong. And to prepare for my next powerlifting world championship, I’m giving up training for the bench and instead, I’m going to do chest press on the TRX. There’s a great TRX video on Youtube with a famous trainer saying this is the best chest exercise ever since it takes the chest completely out of the movement. Sweet! I’m sure to win!”

(For the thick-headed, this is satire!)